Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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