just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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