I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
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We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
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No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
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