this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
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Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
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Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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