She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
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Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
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She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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