legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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