Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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