remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
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He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
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I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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