my text book just quoted the cookie monster
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
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Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
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I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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