he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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