dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
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She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
i think my cat just said my name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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