Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
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