Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
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I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
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GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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