Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
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I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
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I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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