Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
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