I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
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This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
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im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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