just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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