so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
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All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
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And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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