yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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