I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize