Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
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after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
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I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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