I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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