Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
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We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
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sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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