Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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