Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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