You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
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He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
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If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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