hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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