you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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