if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
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Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
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I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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