Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
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Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
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I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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