i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
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I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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