I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
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Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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