Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
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You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
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You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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