so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
it's like heaven, but drunker
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
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When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
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if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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