Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
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I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
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I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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