Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
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When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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