It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
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Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
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I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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