The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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