Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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