what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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