Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize