I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
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I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
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Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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