But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
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you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
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I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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