I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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