I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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