We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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