you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
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dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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