I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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