I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
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I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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