Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
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It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
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That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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